Rival Angels

It's Halloween, so here's a little something I wrote which got a very good response from the hardcore zombie fans at Homepage of the Dead website a few years ago:

World War Z: Haggis
A fan fiction based on the novel World War Z by Max Brooks by Martin Evans
Haggis © Martin Evans
All anthropomorphic/cyber-wrestling characters © by their owners

[The arena used to be a Wal-Mart superstore, but now in the post-war era there are not enough people left to keep more than a handfull of these superstores open and profitable. After identifying myself, I enter the arena and I head towards the wrestling ring. I see whom I came to interview: The Mighty Haggis. Furry professional wrestler extraordinaire. Haggis is known to her fans as "The Ewe of Destruction". Haggis is a voluptuous sheep hybrid with a reputation for being a smart aleck. Haggis is in the ring sparring with another hybrid. As soon as I'm ringside, I introduce myself to her and she exits the ring for our scheduled interview.]

[What's your real name for the record?]

Wilma Deering Wilberforce. My father was a big fan of old comic strips and he somehow convinced mom to name me after Buck Rogers' girlfriend.

[And you were a professional wrestler before the war?]

Oh yeah. I was one of the bigtime furry wrestlers. Still am too.

[What were you doing before the Big Panic?]

Well, I used to live and work in Las Vegas until my boss got mixed up with some bitch that bankrupted him and his wrestling fed. Then I hit the road working mostly as a session wrestler. There weren't a lot of wrestling federations that took furry wrestlers. Heck, some of them still won't take African-American wrestlers. But I was making as much as four or five grand a day doing private matches and I was able to make my house payments.
I was in Philadelphia doing some real wrestling in front of an audience about a month before the Battle of Yonkers when everything really went to Hell. The house was half-empty, but that's no excuse not to do a good show. My opponent that night was this fat-assed big-mouthed Shetland pony anthro who turned out to be a big fat fake. She had it on her resume that she used to wrestle the Jumping Bomb Angels in handicap matches in Japan which sounded okay until you did the math. She must've been the world's toughest seven year old. We did this one-thousand fluorescent glass tube hardcore match that night and she came out second best after I nailed her in the head with a folding steel chair. Well, just as the ref was counting the pony out, we heard a bunch of screaming coming from where the main public entrance of the arena was. It wasn't fans screaming for blood. It was fans screaming about somebody-was-getting-murdered-in-cold-blood.
The ref had just counted the pony out, and before I could humiliate her with my "Look ma, no hands!" finisher....

[What's that?]

That's when I pull my defeated opponents to their feet, and I shove their heads in between my big knockers, and I let them smother themselves out while I hold my arms out to either side waving at the audience. The fans love it. I kind of like it myself.

[Ah.]

Hey, it pays the bills. Anyway, I was almost through playing around with the pony, when the fans got up to their feet and started running to the emergency exits opposite the arena's main entrance. I wasn't really facing the main entrance, so I let the pony fall backwards into the arms of the ref and I turned around to take a look at what was going on.
There were zombies coming down the main aisle.
I've seen dead people before. I've passed by plenty of car wrecks traveling from show to show. I sat backstage once with the body of some poor kid who took a bad dive off of a steel cage until his folks could come and get him. But I've never seen dead people walk before.
The dead people, the zombies, weren't really moving all that fast. They looked like they were learning to walk all over again. I remembered a funny late night horror movie host from way back when I was a kid on TV saying that the original Mummy should've handed out business cards that said, "Slow but inexorable." But it wasn't funny this time.
Somebody found the safety doors and the fans started pushing their way out of the arena, but a lot of people were getting trampled trying to get out. The zombies went after them and they started killing them. The ref and I picked up the pony between us and we ran like mad for the locker room. I don't think the pony's big feet touched the floor once until we got inside the locker room and shut that door behind us. With the help of the other wrestlers and the stage crew, we barricaded the locker room door with anything we could move. After the pony came to, we picked up some stuff that we could use as weapons and we exited the arena. We went up as a group into the employee level of the parking structure.
We were on the top level of course.
I had a couple of handguns in my truck because I was still doing private wrestling sessions and a girl has to protect herself. I put one handgun between my legs and the other handgun I put on top of my dashboard and gunned the engine and took off. I was the last one to try and drive my way out of there. It wasn't possible. There were stalled cars blocking the way out and there were zombies going after the screaming drivers trapped inside. I pulled my truck over to one side, grabbed my guns and my overnight bag, and took out of there running. I was in great shape back then. A lot better shape than I thought I was. The zombies were just starting to fill up the parking structure, but I was able to bob and weave my way between the ones that were there and get out without firing a shot. I got as far as the second the level before had I jump out of the parking structure. The moment that I was free and clear of that mess, I started heading west. I was going to go home. I wanted to go home.

[How did you get out of the city?]

I walked at first. There isn't anything more dependable than walking. Walking gives you time to think and to heal. Besides, it wasn't like those flesh-eaters were running a marathon. I thought about getting another truck until the highways started choking with refugees. As soon as I saw a sporting goods store, I went in and bought an expensive mountain bike, some spare tires and a machete. I wasn't worried about maxing out my credit card.

[What was the trip like?]

It took me a real long time.
Every single living, breathing thing was running away from Zack as fast as physically possible. Not just people. Animals too. They were just as afraid of Zack as we were. I traveled with a beekeeper for awhile who told me that he saw zombies ripping open his hives and eating every bee they could catch with their fingers. Somebody else said they saw zombies trying to jump into the air to catch butterflies.
I tried to travel with other furries when I could. But I wanted nothing more than to get home, so sometimes I was the only furry among hundreds of humans. Some of the people I traveled with were very polite to me, but not very friendly. Some of the people I traveled with weren't very polite, but they were very friendly to me. I took what life handed me. But I never had to pull a gun on somebody. Just Zack. Thank goodness that daddy taught his little lamb how to shoot.
I don't know how they did it, but Zack somehow managed to leapfrog over us refugees over and over again. Sometimes we turn around a bend in the road and we'd see a bunch of rednecks manning a roadblock. Other times we turn around a bend in the road and we'd see a mob of Zacks chowing down on the rednecks that had been manning the roadblock.
I learned to climb onto roofs to find a safe place to sleep with my mountain bike strapped on my back. Sometimes I woke up to find myself surrounded by zombies. Then I would have to jump from roof to roof before I could find a safe spot to climb down and ride away. I only had to shoot my way out once.
It took me months to get as far as I did. I was almost in Arizona when I found out that Las Vegas and San Bernardino County was Zacked. So I had to pedal around nearly the whole state of Nevada until I ran into some military types who were out looking for strays on their own time. I didn't even have to flash my tits at them to get their attention.

[You were rescued?]

Yeah. A real rescue. They weren't going to make cheese out of me.

[Cheese?]

Cheese is what they called the people they shoved into the mousetraps. You know the fake sanctuaries for refugees they set up to lure Zack away from the front? I got lucky. They put me on a salvaged copper convoy headed to California. If I ever meet any of those olive drab sweethearts again, I am so going to fuck his brains out.

[What was California like?]

California was out of this world. It was supposed to be this Art Deco fairyland that I never got around to visiting, but when I got there it looked more like Bartertown from the movie Thunderdome. Gasoline was in such short supply that the authorities were converting public vehicles into smokers [charcoal burners]. There were tents and cardboard shacks wherever there was room to put one. The authorities had turned all the amusement parks and movie studios into refugee camps. All the city parks and golf courses had been turned into farms. Lawns had disappeared. There wasn't a blade of mowed grass anywhere. Every house had victory gardens instead. All the buildings had homemade wind turbines and solar collectors on top of their roofs. People were riding horses and driving homemade carriages on the freeways to get to work. Freight was being moved up and down the west coast mostly by small sailing ships.
And every morning you were woken up by a million zillion roosters crowing their miserable lungs out.
I registered with the DeStRes before I found a place to sleep. Because I grew up on a farm, I was assigned to a CSSP unit a few days later to teach pre-war VIPs how to plant squash and grow corn. Believe it or not, that's how I found my old friends Zig Zag and Sheila Vixen. They had fled from Canada along with a bunch of their friends and they somehow made it to California in an old school bus held together with rubber bands and chewing gum. After getting to California they discovered that furry porn was the last thing that was on anybody's minds and they had to learn a whole new set of skills.
One night after a hard day's work in the fields, Ziggy and I started talking about the good old days and that time when Zig Zag and her studio did an adult wrestling pay-per-view for the FFF [Furry Fighting Federation]. Sheila was washing up nearby and she suggested that maybe we put on a Pro wrestling show for the all the refugees who needed to forget about Zack and short rations for a little while.
We decided that we would because we could.
We got the use of an abandoned warehouse. Then we had to build a wrestling ring completely from scratch. After getting that done, we started looking around for some more wrestlers because Ziggy, Sheila, and I couldn't hold down the fort down by ourselves. But luckily some wrestlers heard about what we were up to and they found us first.
Misty Mountains came knocking at our door first. She was sick and tired of doing laundry at a nearby refugee camp. Vendetta and Jenny Crow found us the day after that. Then the flood gates opened. Eventually we had wrestlers of all types coming out of our ears before the month was over.
We put on some great cutting edge shows. Misty and I became a tag team and we feuded with Zig Zag and Sheila. We busted each other open every night and twice on Sundays. Ziggy and I had this choke chain deathmatch that was so darn nasty that one of our fans had a heart attack watching us rumble. Jenny Crow and The Black Widow nearly broke the ring slamming each other off the top turnbuckles. Vendetta was our resident punishment magnet and she had things done to her that would've made Mick Foley change jobs. Misty Moutains is maybe the nicest and sweetest person that I know outside of the ring, but inside the ring, that big busty mousie never lost a hardcore match, not even against me. Heck, she even finished me off with my own patented, "Look ma, no hands!" finisher once.
And we made the people forget about Zack and short rations.
But then the army put out the word that it needed all the able-bodied furries it could get. Furries were in big demand. If we were bit, we wouldn't turn into zombies after we died, and we could smell who was going to turn into a zombie before they died. We could do almost the same job as a K9 unit, but we could handle a rifle too.
Zig Zag, Sheila and I joined the army without thinking twice. Misty couldn't join the army even though she wanted to. She had gotten herself pregnant and she had to stay behind. But her husband came with us instead. He was in the same platoon as we were and we watched him like a hawk because his baby was going to need a daddy growing up.
We saw a lot of action in San Bernardino. We weren't the ones that took it back, but we made some dents in Zacks that Zack couldn't ding out. We liberated Palm Springs for the exercise. It later made the base of operations that we kept hitting Zack from.
Ziggy eventually became a platoon leader and Sheila got to command her own squad. Eventually they were sent down to Florida to help liberate Miami. I hear they're back in Canada making dirty movies again. One of these days I've got to go up to Canada and do one of those dirty movies with them before I start collecting Social Security and ration books.

[How did you handle the ferals?]

I've heard that one before. We treated feral humans and feral furries both the same way, except that a human bite was and always has been deadlier than any fur’s because of the bacteria in your mouths.

[You fought in the Battle of Las Vegas?]

Damn straight I did. Las Vegas was the first and only town of its kind that ever existed. Can you imagine America without Las Vegas? My house that I worked for so long was there too. I wasn't going to give it up.

[What was Las Vegas like?]

Tens of thousands of zombies all over the place. Maybe hundred of thousands. There were more zombies there in one spot than any other single place I've ever been to, New York included. There was this theory going around that the zombies gravitated to places that were important to them in life. That's the only way some of us could explain it. But we had to retake Las Vegas because Hoover Dam was the most important piece of architecture on the North American continent. The DeStRes needed the electricity to run our defense plants, and before we could hold that dam, we had to take back Las Vegas.

[What was it like retaking the city?]

It took us a real long time. We used so much ammunition that we had to make beer runs to all the gunshops and sports stores in town that carried guns to keep us in bullets. But we pinned Zack down to the canvas and we kept him down for the count. Then we had to go to each and every casino and condo and clean them out room by room. If we were fighting living people, all we would have to do is toss a grenade into every open door and forget about it. But with zombies you can't do that. The only thing that kills a zombie for sure is a headshot. We had tens of thousands of hotel rooms all over the city that we had to sanitize one at a time. But we got the job done.
I was never so relieved to see my house again. It was dusty and it needed some repairs and the yard was a mess, but it was still in one piece. The rest of the neighborhood was in pretty sorry shape though. Some of the houses had burned down and some of the others were falling down for lack of repair. I also had to keep an eye out for the lions and tigers that had gotten loose during the start of the war and bred. There was this one trailer park we troopers nicknamed "New Kenya" because the big cats had dens there.
There were some people in Las Vegas that survived by hiding inside a giant warehouse that had supplied all the Wal-Mart stores in the state. They were the greatest bunch of people ever. They were in Zack's backyard and they came out of that warehouse in better shape than most of the rest of the world. They welcomed us with fresh vegetables they grew on the roof of their warehouse and real chocolate chip cookies and top dollar champagne. They were super to us. They were the complete opposites of the Johnny Rebs in Texas that we ran into later.

[How did the Rebs treat you?]

They ambushed us while we were trying to clear out Dallas. We were in the middle of killing fifty thousand zombies when they started dropping us troopers with sniper fire. I was minding my own business, plinking zombies when the head of the guy standing next to me exploded. He had been an action movie star and did all these films where he blew up buildings full of bad guys. Now he was dead. I stood there stunned like a deer in the headlights until somebody grabbed me by the front of my BDUs with both hands and pulled me down on the grass. Our commander then called for a general retreat and we ran like mad for the trucks. We then lost some more guys when the snipers shot them in their legs when they were trying to run away. Their buddies would pull an one-eighty and go back for to rescue them, but Zack was on our heels and Zack would catch 'em. A few hours later, the Air Force dropped a bunch of Daisy Cutters and some Fuel-Air bombs on top of the Reb camp and took out most of downtown Dallas. Then the Army sent in the Cleaners and Dallas wasn't a problem anymore.

[Cleaners?]

Cleaners. The United States was going to stay an United States even if they had to kill every rebel man, woman, child, horse, dog, and cat to do it. Cleaners were trained to terminate anything by any means possible. The grapevine says that the real reason that some cities got all burned up was because the Cleaners dropped neutron bombs on them.

[Somebody said that you killed a "running zombie"?]

I killed either an uppity "Q" or a feral. It was a young female dressed in rags that jumped out of a dumpster where she was hiding that tore the throat out of a cherry recruit who needed to take a leak. She ripped his throat out with her teeth and she started feeding on him before he stopped kicking. Then she saw me standing at the end of the alley and she got up and charged me like a track star on speed. I dropped her with a PIE to the head and she was dead before she hit the asphalt.
Then some independent newsie who was following our unit reported the story before getting his facts straight. That caused a big panic among us troops, but thankfully nobody went AWOL. We came this close to putting that newsie up against a wall and pouring a ton of bullets into him for the fun of it.
It wasn't the first time there were rumors about running zombies. It wasn't the last. I swear, just as soon as it looked like that we might win this thing, we troopers went out of our way to invent new ways to scare ourselves to death before sacktime. I've heard the stories about pregnant zombies giving birth to ghouls that passed for living people. I've heard the stories about zombies that stalked and hunted individual soldiers like wolves. I've heard the stories about zombies that talked shit back to you. But I never ever saw a zombie yet that knew how to throw a rock or turn a doorknob.

[What are your plans for the future now that the war is over?]

The war isn't over. It won't be over until every single zombie bastard is dust. I'm seriously thinking about joining the navy to help protect the oceans from all the zombies that went downstream into the seas. Did you see the news story last night about them eating the Great Barrier Reef like a bunch of Mister Pacmans? If we don't stop them down there, they might win after all by killing off our oceans. I'm just taking a breather by wrestling again. I can't swim worth crap, but I can go back to school to learn to tele-operate an undersea attack drone. You ever see the control console for one of those things? They look like you put quarters in it.

[She reaches into her shirt pocket and hands me some slips of paper]

Here are some free tickets for tonight's show. Tonight there's a certain fatass alley cat anthro named Whitney who's going to wish that she stayed South of the Border. I want as many people as possible to see me making her crawl on her tummy and making her suck my toes. I have a secret weapon I'm going to use against her tonight.

[Haggis pulls a laser pointer from out of her huge cleavage and makes a red laser dot dance on the floor between us.]

not bad maby u should put up some matches with them charicters

Very cool!! I can see why it was a hit!

BrendaRua wrote:Very cool!! I can see why it was a hit!

I have another Haggis/WWZ crossover I'll post later (Bollywood is interested in it!).
I'm working on another one where a troupe of wrestlers have to run across Kansas for their lives after their tour bus hits a roadside IED and their escort gets devoured. Some of the FFF regulars will be in it.

Very cool! I'm still tripping over the 'Look Ma, no hands."